new year

Looking back over the past year and looking foward to the year ahead stirs up a wide variety of emotions among people. Some cannot get rid of 2008 fast enough and look forward with great anticipation to what 2009 will hold. For others 2008 was a wonderful year, and they are somewhat anxious to experience what 2009 will offer. For some, January 1 may be just another date, except with a different year at the end. I am not usually one to make New Year's resolutions, in fact I find it somewhat annoying that people feel they must wait until the New Year before making big changes that should have been made sooner. Then they wake up January 2 and realize in the exhilarating moments of planning a new lifestyle, the goals they made were too lofty and they have already failed.

Before I become too critical of New Year's resolution makers, I must admit I did choose to make some goals for myself this year. I chose my resolutions carefully since I do not like to feel overwhelmed. I made simple choices such as learning to play the piano for example. I have pondered these resolutions for days and have become rather excited at the prospect of learning new things and becoming a more well rounded person. As I was thinking about what I can do to make myself a "better" person I realized my number one goal for this coming year. In fact it is not really a goal for this year but rather for my life. I have been learning that I need to become more like Jesus. This is not a profound observation but rather a constant, daily choice. Perhaps that is why it struck me. It is not that I do not want to be like Jesus, or that I choose to ignore him, I just sometimes forget. On the other hand sometimes I do something that is not Jesus-like and I wish I could forget. I am reading a book that says the more you pray for the Holy Spirit to guide your life and direct your conversations and interactions with others, the more adept you will become at discerning His nudging. I want to be in such close community with Jesus that I do not ever "forget" to be like Him or to allow him to use me.

"My life is in your hands, God. Use me to point someone toward you today-- I promise to cooperate in any way I can. If you want me to say a word for you today, I'll do that. If you want me to keep quiet but demonstrate love and servanthood, by your Spirit's power I will. I'm fully available to you today, so guide me by your Spirit." This prayer is taken from Bill Hybels book called Just Walk Across the Room. Imagine praying this every morning and meaning every word of it. Being completely open to whatever God prompts, no exceptions and no holding back. What a dangerous thing to pray, yet at the same time what an incredibly miraculous year we could have if we were open to and acted on the promptings of God himself.

babies and puppets

my job can be so interesting at times. we have a dear lady who is convinced that any object that resembles a baby is in fact a live baby. this includes dolls, santa clause figurines, stuffed rabbits and frogs, teddy bears, even pictures of dolls in magazines. no amount of convincing or rationalizing will persuade her that these objects are not alive. she sings to them, carries them around, and when she has kept them occupied for long enough, she frantically searches for the mother. this conveniently always happens to be a staff member who is thankful to her for returning their "lost baby." it is quite interesting to observe, she is so gentle and loving with them-it's just hard for me to imagine someone believing a stuffed animal is alive and well. although i guess i should know by now that rational thinking in the world of Alzheimer's is non-existent. today i was hanging a clown puppet from the ceiling and she spotted me. oh boy. she was hysterical. wondering why the child was hanging from strings. never a dull moment.

the dash

I once heard it said that on a person's tombstone what matters most is not the date of birth, nor the date of death, but what is represented by the dash that connects the two dates. This "dash" represents everything we are. All we hold dear, all we stand for- or don't stand for. Our attitudes, beliefs, likes and dislikes, are all encapsulated by this tiny dash that represents our life. One life we have. We have no chance to rewind, re-do, or justify. After I am gone, few people will remember my funeral, and far fewer will remember or even care about my birth. So I suppose it may be somewhat necessary to place these two dates on my gravestone to remind, whoever cares, of these two significant events. However I am far more concerned with what remains unwritten. I am most concerned about the tiny line between those two dates- how I lived my life. This is a somewhat random thought, but a good one nonetheless.

emmanuel - god with us

There are so many names for God that I love to hear, but I have to say that my favorite is Emmanuel which means "God with us." I love Christmas time because we hear this name referenced most often during this season, in which we celebrate the act of God coming down to earth to be "with us." I was reading a book by John Ortberg, and he presents the story of the incarnation as being very costly to God, yet at the same time it was a sacrifice that took place because of His deep love for people. Here is an excerpt from this book. "Father Damien was a priest who became famous for his willingness to serve lepers. He moved to Kalawao, a village on the island of Molokai in Hawaii that had been quarantined to serve as a leper colony. For sixteen years he lived in their midst. He learned to speak their language. He bandaged their wounds, embraced the bodies no one else would touch, preached to hearts that would otherwise been left alone. He organized schools, bands, and choirs. He built homes so that the lepers could have shelter. He built two thousand coffins by hand so that when they died, they could be buried with dignity. Slowly, it was said, Kalawao became a place to live rather than a place to die, for Father Damien offered hope. Father Damien was not careful about keeping his distance. He did nothing to separate himself from his people. He dipped his fingers in the the poi bowl along with the patients. He shared his pipe. He did not always wash his hands after bandaging open sores. He got close. For this the people loved him. Then one day he stood up and began his sermon with two words: "We lepers..." Now he wasn't just about helping them. Now he was one of them. From this day forward he wasn't just on their island; he was in their skin. First he had chosen to live as they lived; now he would die as they died. Now they were in it together. One day God came to earth and began his message: "We lepers..." Now He wasn't just helping us. Now He was one of us. Now He was in our skin." This is the Christmas story.

eternity

So I realized I haven't been writing in my blog everyday what I am thankful for-but I have been keeping track of my intent to become a more grateful person and everyday I allow my mind to ponder many things for which I give thanks. My heart has been somewhat heavy this week as two of my residents at the nursing home passed away. Death was one of my greatest (if not the greatest) fears I had in life. That fear was quickly erased after spending barely a month working in a place where death occured on an almost weekly basis. Although the physical process of death itself is difficult to watch, there is a part of me that grew accustomed to working in this environment. Once the dying process moves towards the final stages, I was continually amazed at many nurses ability to predict almost to the hour when the resident would take their last breath. Death is a part of life. Because I work so closely with death I ponder this topic regularly. You would think, because of the nature of Alzheimer's disease, that death would be somewhat of a relief. I have listened to many families say that the actual death was even harder than the struggle while the person was living. We don't like to say good-bye. While Alzheimer's has often been referred to as "the long good-bye," we are still able to talk to, hug, and care for this person. Death means we will not see them until we reach eternity. We cannot look at them and remember, we cannot touch their hand, or sit with them while they eat. Because we cannot fathom eternity, it is only natural that in our human minds death seems so final. People get excited about the fact that when we get to heaven we will all receive new bodies. We will no longer have the physical ailments, limitations, or imperfections, we struggle with on this earth. However I come at this from a different perspective, I am ecstatic to be greeted by a host of people who will be completely different from how I knew them on this earth. This is because they not only will have new bodies but new minds as well. Although I love my residents just for who they are, I look forward to the day when Alzheimer's disease no longer robs these people, and their families, of everything they hold dear. I look forward to knowing these people and not having to wonder what they were really like, or having to ask family members what they like and dislike, for they can no longer tell me themselves. Some people who have dementia, in fact I would say at least half of those I've met, are not miserable. Most have days where the confusion is greater than other days, but for the most part they seem content to be oblivious. They do things that don't make sense and make statements that make even less sense, but they laugh-and we laugh with them- and overall they seem to squeeze a decent amount of enjoyment out of life. Unfortunately, there are also those whom the disease has taken their minds and held them captive. The man who passed away this week struggled with the greatest mental mayhem I have ever observed in an Alzheimer's patient. I'll call him John. He was constantly confused and miserable. The only thing that relaxed him was sitting in the sun and a cup of hot coffee. Nothing else soothed his misery. I passed John in the hall a few days ago and he had a terrified/exasperated look on his face. I stopped to ask what was wrong, and he simply responded in a voice that was shaky- "I want to go home, please just let me go home." Three days later, John went home. I can't wait to join him and all the others who are now Home, free from the confusion and frustration I know the disease often caused them, but are now rejoicing because life on earth was temporary--and they are now living forever with new bodies and new minds.

who is the church?

So I've been pondering the message given in church this morning. What first got my attention was when the pastor, who happened to be a guest, stood up and said "I have prepared a message to deliver to you today, but if these are simply my words then you will leave and be the exact same as you were when you entered those doors. but if God speaks His words through me, you will be changed and never be the same." He proceeded to pray and gave the message. I was listening intently on the message he spoke concerning those who are held in slavery, those forced to work as prostitutes, and about the rights taken from orphans and widows. He went on to tell the story of a young girl who was held captive for years in a brothel where she was forced to service 4-5 men daily. Yet on the wall of her tiny room she had posted these words from Psalm 27- "The LORD is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid? When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. " If a young girl can claim this as her hope despite unthinkable circumstances- it shames me to consider my lack of confidence at times. The pastor went on to assert that God has given us a solution to many of these tragic situations, the church. In other words, us. I got to thinking, who exactly is "the church?" I mean its easy to hear sermons like this and think "someone else will pray for her" or "someone else will donate money to their cause" or "someone else will go on that mission trip," because after all the church is made up of a body of believers right? We often assume there are others who will take on the responsibility of being the church to non-believers. It is a dangerous choice to become comfortable because God clearly states in Isaiah 1:17 that we are required to seek justice, to encourage the oppressed, defend the cause of the fatherless, and plead the case of the widow. God does not give exemptions or exceptions as to who He wants to be "the church" to the oppressed. In fact to the contrary in Romans God specifically says we all have different gifts, some have the gift of serving or teaching, others encourage, show mercy, or lead us. It is up to us as the body to show the world that God is good. It isn't simply up to he or she sitting in the seats next to me- how will I respond to God's call for justice? I am not an observer or merely a spectator, I am the church. It's up to me how I will carry out that responsibility.

freedom

I was reminded while I stood in line to vote today, what an amazing privilege it is to be voting for a leader without intimidation or fear of being harassed or even killed. I am thankful for freedom.
"The only sure bulwark of continuing liberty is a government strong enough to protect the interests of the people, and a people strong enough and well enough informed to maintain its sovereign control over the government." - Teddy Roosevelt

changing of seasons

Summer fades to fall, and fall all too quickly jumps into winter. The chilly air greets us in the morning and I am disappointed another summer has come and gone so quickly. I enjoy the changing of the seasons although it frequently brings uncertainty. As summer turns to fall, we marvel at the changing of the leaves and busy days of school and other activities. Then, as autumn gives way to winter we prepare for the holiday season, which brings a vast array of emotions and experiences depending on one's situation. We wonder how bad the snow will be and how icy the roads. I am reminded of the book of Daniel where it says God changes times and seasons, and in the same passage it says He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning, He reveals deep and hidden things. We often are called to move from one "season" to another in our lives. And due to human nature and fear of the unknown we often squirm and fuss and perhaps even panic, when God leads us into the unknown. It is not in our best interest to resist the changing of "seasons" in our lives, for we do not know what beautiful "leaves" or intricate "snowflakes" God may bring our way, if only we trust Him.

tastebuds

I'm a firm believer in the fact that we often do not realize how much we appreciate something or someone until it is taken from us, whether temporarily or permanently. Then our second problem is that if it is a temporary loss, as soon as it returns we promptly forget our appreciation during it's absence and once more take it for granted. For the last few days I have been battling a cold and realized how bland and "non-tasty" food can be when you're sick. I am so thankful for my tastebuds. They are such a small part of the body but yet bring much joy- especially when eating chocolate!

toothpaste

Yesterday was a fairly busy day so I did not have the opportunity to write, but nevertheless I have to say that my item of thanksgiving yesterday was toothpaste. I am an avid fan of flossing and brushing my teeth, often up to four times a day, and sometimes I stop and wonder what people used before toothpaste was invented? In fact maybe I should "google" that. Whatever they used probably worked, but I'm sure it didn't leave them with that cool, fresh, clean mouth feeling. Kind of a silly thing to be thankful for but hey, sometimes we overlook the silly things.

sunset

I have to say today that I am grateful for eyesight. Although mine seems to be deteriorating faster than would be ideal, I must praise God because I cannot imagine my life without it. I was stopped in my tracks when I saw the breathtaking sunset tonight. I can picture God embracing all these marvelous shades of red, orange, purple, and blue and then spreading them around the sky as if painting on a canvas. I often wonder how many times He creates a masterpiece for us to enjoy, but in our hurried lives we skip past it without a second thought? Everytime I see a sunset I think of how it rose in the east and took all day to move across the sky where it makes its exit with a grand array of colors- and in the same thought I am reminded how far my sins are removed from me. Do I serve God in such a way to warrant this great blotting out of all my iniquities? I feel so unworthy and undeserving.

thankfulness

We have an obsession with physical appearance. We exercise. We diet. We pay to join groups that motivate us to attain a weight loss goal. If we are serious about living healthy and staying in shape, it takes a certain amount of work. We must be disciplined and condition ourselves by living a certain lifestyle. It is not easy, but in order to look good we are often willing to do what it takes. With Thanksgiving approaching next month, I was thinking what would our society be like if we conditioned our minds in the same way we are concerned about our bodies. What if instead of demanding "instant" everything, we were content to practice patience. What if there was no such thing as instant popcorn, drive through windows, or cell phones? There was a time when there were none of these things, and as far as I know the people living in this time were not drastically unhappy. What if everytime we let our minds wander to a complaint of some sort, we caught ourselves and instead gave thanks that the situation or problem was not worse? And what if we made it a way of life to give a smile or a compliment to every person we spoke to in the course of a day? What if everyone everywhere took up these habits? I think we would place less emphasis on physical beauty because we would be happier with who we are on the inside. They say it takes six weeks of doing something every day to make it a habit. I have decided although November is only thirty days long, I am going to post something every day I am thankful for. An unknown author said this - "If you haven't got all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you wouldn't want." Thanksgiving got me thinking about this, but I hope by doing this exercise it will grow in me a deeper sense of contentment. "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." (John F. Kennedy)

a glimpse into dementia

I have to admit I have the greatest job in the world. I say this because I think the best things in this world should make us smile and laugh often, and occasionally strike a chord deep within us that moves us to tears. Not tears of sorrow, but the tears that come when you see, hear, or witness something that touches your soul. I have been told by numerous people I should write a book on my experiences in the world of dementia. I fell in love with those who are fighting this disease called dementia and/or Alzheimer's some time ago. I took a position at a nursing home where I assumed I would work with those who needed minimal care, assisted living, I guess you could call it. Boy did I miss the memo on that one. Somehow I had applied and proceeded to accept a position on the late-stage dementia unit which was home to 50 residents. I was responsible to do everything for the ten residents on my caseload they could not do for themselves. It was up to me make sure they had not only everything they needed but everything they wanted as well. No one warned me, at least not in a gentle way, that it was vital to have quick reflexes and a creative imagination in order to survive. When people learn I work with residents who have dementia, the common response is: Do they remember you? There is a slight misconception that dementia solely affects the memory. I have done much research on this disease in order to understand those who suffer with this illness more fully and I must say that memory is a key part, but there is so much more. The first attack this disease makes is on the brain's ability to take a current experience and move this experience from the short term memory bank to the long term memory bank. They can no longer make NEW memories. This is the reason for the stigma attached to the memory portion. For most individuals, memories of people and experiences they have lived with most of their lives, are the last to disappear. As the disease progresses, they lose their ability to think abstractly, they lose their inhibitions, and near the end lose their ability to do simple tasks and require total care. It is a sad disease that I would wish upon no one however, the people behind the disease are a group of individuals for whom I so deeply care for and enjoy. I never knew I would treasure the simple things in life so genuinely, cry so openly with families I hardly knew, or laugh so freely at the unexpected happenings that are characteristic in the world of dementia. I had to preface my writings about my residents by saying all this. So if I tell a story or make a comment about an experience I had, I want those who read to know that it is not with arrogance or a spirit of ridicule that I tell my stories, but in order that I may remember the stories of those who are still living as well as others who have gone on, but all of which I have loved dearly and hold in the deepest part of my heart.

Election thoughts

This will be my only blog on the upcoming election. I have decided that I am tired of hearing about the election. I know for some Americans this is their life and their constant source of entertainment as well as conversation. While I have no objection to the fact that this is an extremely important event and will definately participate in voting, I feel that sometimes our interests become obsessions. While I am interested in the general lifestyle these candidates live, I am not interested in how many drinks they had during their college years, how many times they sneezed today, or what they had for breakfast yesterday. And while I am definately interested in their views and plans regarding certain topics, I could care less who "won" the debates, who uses the "joe the plumber" analogy most often, or even who has more experience in office. The fact is neither person has ever led our country so it will be a first time experience for either one. Truth be told I really don't have total confidence in either one. They both scare me. We tread on dangerous ground when we place our hope and confidence in a mortal man. Humans, you see, we tend to mess up and make mistakes, make bad choices, do things we regret, take chances, and sometimes we are even downright stupid. Even the best of us, those with the most public office experience, the greatest charisma, and the flashiest smiles. God will use whoever is elected to further His purposes in this world. He has a history of using the most unlikely people- both in the Bible and the present- to accomplish His will. And while it may not be the person WE are rooting for, God's Word says clearly that our plans are not His plans and our ways are not His ways. That should give us confidence. At the same time it should also shake our "need" for a certain candidate to be elected. It should drive us to God's throne begging His will to be done. Our country was built on the principles of God and we are in danger of forgetting this, in fact, the words of Benjamin Franklin at the Constitutional Convention in 1787 sum it up best-- “In the beginning of the contest with Britain, when we were sensible of danger, we had daily prayers in this room for Divine protection. Our prayers, Sir, were heard, and they were graciously answered… do we imagine we no longer need His assistance?” I'm afraid, as Americans, we may be losing our senses.

Day One

My brother has given me great inspiration. I am a fairly private person, so I don't write to entertain people. However, I appreciate my brother's idea of a blog being an online journal as I don't like to write but much prefer to type. I read so much and I think much more than I read so I figured it would be productive to write my thoughts and experiences down on paper, or rather online, which is perhaps more permanent in this day and age. I might write often, or I might not. But this really is more for myself, to capture thoughts, ideas, and life experiences that happen- and then are forgotten- far quicker than I care to acknowledge. This is to help me remember. This is my life.